16. Learning to Live in the Moment as an Anxious Person
By Manasi Mankame, this week’s guest writer
There’s something to be said about the fact that there’s 80+ people that have subscribed to this newsletter! As this week’s post gets published, I am on a long train journey to the Himalayas. I will be there for a short period, focusing on myself. This week’s guest writer is a dear friend, was one of the first subscribers and to this day one of the most supportive people I’m blessed to have in my life - Manasi Mankame. She is an accomplished fine artist and print maker with experience in teaching, setting up exhibits, and holding workshops. She’s even won art grants.
You will find some art from her and more news such as a giveaway and some workshops from me at the very end!
It has taken me many days to start writing this week's newsletter. Why? I feared that I would not be able to write it well. What's the point of doing something when you know you can't do it? But this is not knowing, this is fear. And if only we all knew how our lives would look without fear, I wouldn't be writing this newsletter. As a deeply anxious person, I struggle with being good to myself and I find it comical when people say “It's okay, you’ll be fine”. My anxiety has thousands of answers ready to pelt at this very statement. “No, I will not be fine, I will mess up, I will give up, I will only disappoint people and then die alone in a ditch”. Meanwhile, this conversation is only about sending an email.
I know, I know but that's just how anxiety works! On a fine day it creeps up in your mind through a small crack of silly, human mistakes and then it takes over everything so seamlessly. Now you don't trust yourself enough that you have turned the stove off, you've closed the door behind you and locked it. Your mind and judgment become clouded by fear and make you do stupid things. For example, I got extremely anxious about my finances and career. I decided to take up a teaching job at a boys' catholic school, sign up for a Master's Degree while being burnt out and exhausted, and take up a job as a college lecturer SIMULTANEOUSLY. While all this looks great on my resume, it has also burnt holes in my mental health and my sense of self.
Here are the things I've learned after quitting both my jobs and finishing my Master's degree after spending my last single brain cell on it.
If you do not take control of yourself, something else will: Activities like driving, and swimming require you to take control of your body or else obviously you will DIE. When I started learning how to drive last month (I'm 26 and spoilt), I realized how hard it can get for an anxious person to continue focusing on the road instead of predicting death. Driving taught me how to just breathe and be in the moment, not focus too much on the future or the past. Now, I'm not implying that you should try life-threatening activities to get rid of your anxiety. Instead, you could just ask yourself “What makes me feel more focused on the present and not on the past or the future?” It could be painting, singing, dancing, etc. All these can be done alone, nobody has to see you do it. Do it for yourself. Learning how to drive helped me regulate my breathing and focus only on what is and not on what could be.
Don't confuse your fear as kindness towards others: I learned this the hard way. As an anxious people-pleasing person, I still have a lot of trouble saying no. I thought it was nice of me to be so accommodating of other people's needs even if they didn't do the same for me. No one teaches you that saying no and having boundaries is a MUST if you want to avoid anxiety and live without the unnecessary weight on your chest of losing people. This anxiety can cause passive aggressiveness and resentment that can turn things bitter very fast. Letting your anxiety blur your emotional and mental boundaries is very common but if you don't take control of this habit you are sitting on a ticking time bomb. Saying yes can be an act of selfishness and not kindness.
Everything works out just fine without the added burden of freaking out: Ever since I was a kid, I was yelled at a lot. Every time something would go wrong, I was wired to panic and start predicting horrible outcomes for what I had just done. So much so that I would even freak out after spilling a glass of water. Very few people out there will tell you “It's okay, you can just wipe it”, “It's okay, you can just refill the bottle” and “It's okay”. Nowadays whenever I freak out over little things, I ask myself “Is this even worth so much of my brain power?” “Is this topic worth losing my mind over?”
Let go: To be honest, I haven't learned how to swim yet. As a kid, I would always find swimming extremely scary because I had a terrible swimming instructor then, and this fear has naturally lived on till now. But nowadays whenever I go to the pool I don't focus on learning how to swim, I practice patience with myself. Instead of learning swimming directly, why don't we learn how to just float today?
Holding on helps anxious people feel safe within themselves, that is why we tend to hold on to our emotions for prolonged lengths of time. Physically, this habit would mean holding your breath or holding on to an object. When you float in water, you are required to breathe and let go of any objects around you. Only after that, you can completely let go and move to swim. Letting go is the bravest thing an anxious person can ever do, it's scary but it's liberating when you finally learn to do it. Feeling overwhelmed and out of control? Go to the pool and just focus on your breath. Let go, it's okay to let go.
Life takes control when you start thinking you have understood it all: I used to think that I had finally learned how to live my life when I had 2 very exhausting and hard jobs. That's when life happened, soon I had to quit both of them and let go of the idea of “understanding life”. Now that I'm deep into the unknown, wisdom comes to me through small things and teaches me that life is simply meant to be lived and not understood. Your anxiety will make you look at life like an instruction manual but it's actually quite the opposite. I know very generic advice, but when was the last time you let go? Have you surrendered yet?
I am still learning it all. While writing this newsletter, I spoke to Vedi about how hard it was for me to think of these points as real lessons. I am still learning them, and I'm in the middle of it all. We are all in the middle of it all and that's okay. So go do things that make you feel alive. Today, let yourself be.
Anxiously,
Manasi.
This is art work done by Manasi titled “May Flowers Grow in your Saddest Parts” for the Hyundai Motors India Art Grant on the topic of mental health in 2023.
I have a few workshops brewing for August, and more details will follow!
Freestyling Words: Wishes & Dreams
Join me and Rujuta for an online workshop on journaling using free association techniques. It's easy, beginner-friendly and we combine some awareness exercises to get you into the flow.
🗓 August 18, 2024
🕓 4.00 pm IST
💸 Early bird fees = INR 200 until August 12 & INR 300 from August 12 onwards
Giveaway!
I will be hosting a Postcard giveaway with original art of the sceneries from my trip. I’ll be doing one on August 9th or August 10th on my Art Instagram, so give a follow to participate! It’s first come first serve and last time all 4 postcards were gone in under 3 minutes! I’ll try to do more than 4 this time though.
Vedi’s Postcard Club!
I’ve been thinking of starting my own Postcard Club so I did it! I have a Patreon now, and a membership tier makes you a part of my Postcard Club.
This Postcard Club allows me to combine my love for art, sending postcards, and writing personalised messages. It allows you to receive affordable original art, develop a low-effort hobby for collecting postcards and hopefully encourage you to send out your own!
Every month, you will receive a postcard dedicated to you with artwork I make specially for the club's members. July’s design is ready to be printed and sent out! For subscribers of this Postcard Club, there will also be some bonus content including newsletters, giveaways and goodies! The monthly subscription is USD 3 = approximately INR 250.
See you from the mountains next week,
Vedi
So grateful for you Manasi for guest writing this newsletter!