I paused my scrolling through Instagram, my attention grabbed by a reel that read “There’s an alchemy to female friendships because they fix hearts they didn’t break. And it made me think of the hands that have mended mine, pieces I assembled of theirs - braided together but uniquely whole”. Three women in the reel braided flowers into each others hairs, and it made me think of the last few days of my life. As monsoon took over my city, tears took over me. Halting between my sobs, I held Josh and cried to him about all the friendships I’ve lost over the last two years. Incredulous, he said, “but you have so many friends!”
I listed all the friends I used to have that I tried to reconnect with after I moved to India. None of them lasted, some are only Instagram follows now. The one friend I knew since we were 15 decided to ghost me. The ball has been in her court for almost a year now and the end of the string is dangled in front of me once every few months with a “we’ll talk about this soon”. I’ve lost interest in that string and my tears have run out. I lay my heart bare to another friend, only for him to call me a liar and block me. And now another friendship was in trouble, and I have invited her over to talk it out. I hope she comes. To top it off, I didn’t make it to a friend’s wedding due to monsoon, traffic, tiredness, household responsibilities and other 6 excuses that aren’t justified. So then surely, I must be doing something wrong? Not doing enough? Not meeting their expectations?
My therapist asked me the next day, “what are you expecting from friendships then?” Seemed quite simple to me!
We must grow together, and be supportive (even when it means calling out bullshit)
Share good news as well as bad, and actively want each other to know
Know that we can rely on each other
Have similar values and trust each other’s intentions
She nodded in agreement, and asked me if that seems too much to ask of people. No, I replied. I do have friends who are all that, they just aren’t here. And proximity does not a friend make. My friend in Goa for example is easy to be friends with because I frequently receive messages from her that go, GUESS WHAT. It sunk into me then, that friendships aren’t all the same. Some are closer because they match what you’re looking for and have the same communication style as you.
In the last 3 days, I’ve had phone calls with my long-distance friends over multiple time zones. I met R for the first time in 2017 during my youth exchange in Barcelona. We’ve met only once after in 2020 and spent a few days together. I received her message as I was slow jogging on the treadmill, a huge smile lighting up my face as she asked me for a favour that put a lot of her trust in me. We scheduled a call for two days later - one that lasted 2 hours and covered the last 4 months of our lives.
S lives in Germany and we’ve met perhaps 4 times. But we text constantly, and in her own way she’s changed my life when she introduced me to The Artist’s Way. She asked me to make a poster for an event in the Palestine Camp in Hamburg, and we are now finding a way for my art to become part of their efforts to aid Palestinians. I am honoured, because I realised that we trust each other and especially align in our political leanings. I would also trust her with any feedback for anything I ever wrote.
N has been a dear friend from the moment we met, and our lives keep aligning. She’s one of the most creative, nurturing souls I know and we spent two hours crying to each other. Not only about the difficult things we are facing, but also the lovely things that overwhelm us and the scary things we need to do. We’ve always showed up for each other, cosmically knew the right moment and the right words to say. No love felt is love lost after all.
A is my soul sister, and we gave each other life updates over her lunch break. We’ve known each other since we were 15, and I trust her with my core. Literally, if my core was a delicate ceramic object I’d place it in her hands and it would be safe. Every time I’ve asked myself if I’m straying from who I am and what I value, A has been the mirror I seek. She shows up, grounds me and is my north star. I know with no doubt that I am the same to her.
Making new friends isn’t easy, but these women showed up magically in the week following my breakdown. And they are mending parts of me that needed a bit of Kintsugi. They’ve done this over years, over seas, over video calls creating the alchemy despite this ‘adult life’ and we assist each other to be truer gold.
Until the next breakdown,
Vedi
🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 so much love for you ❤️
🥰🥰🥰😤😤😤