The last two days have been the most difficult in a while - most likely because tiny things have a tendency to pile-up and become one big mountain. Then, you keep yourself busy and occupied until the mountain becomes a volcano.
My April volcano had a fun combination of the following frustrating elements:
Living between multiple houses and not feeling fully at home anywhere
Being pushed by all my family into more “sensible” jobs
Managing the egos, emotions and opinions of at least 8 people at all times
After a day of staying in bed, I dragged my butt down to the park and walked barefoot in the grass. It was tremendously grounding - I found 3 different types of flowers, a random dog appeared briefly, two grandfathers talked about how quickly their grandchildren were growing up. And very very surprisingly, I found a bunch of mushrooms growing under a tree! I counted, there were 7 (they weren’t magic and yet they were). I clicked this picture immediately, a reminder that no matter how big our problems are, life around us keeps on going and keeps on growing.
Eventually, I reached out to a friend as well. Manasi sent me voice note on voice note, telling me I’m brave and a tear escaped me despite my best attempt to hold myself together. She reminded me that in the last six months, I have changed my living situation, quit my job, found a part-time job, changed my daily commute, done consistent therapy, started working on The Artist’s Way (that requires a lot of inner work too), lost friends, gained friends. Phew. That’s a lot and it happened so fast, and it felt so nice to be acknowledged. I have been brave, I realised. And less alone than I thought. And the moon looked beautiful as it played hide and seek with the clouds. I was tired of playing hide and seek with my family. How am I supposed to be brilliant if I’m finding ways to do everything but shine?
How do I choose one of these houses and make it my home? If I take away all the riff-raff around it like who will be hurt or mad or angry or upset, the answer is pretty clear. It’s the house where my future lies - with my partner, my cat and my dog. The most non-judgemental people that I feel safe with as I forge this new life. Executing has never been an issue for me, I’m high-functioning like that. So then it’s a matter of choosing it finally and to start making it a home. My home.
Manasi said, “healing cannot be done alone”. And “you are in the process of making something bigger for yourself”. And while it’s easy to say that others are making it difficult, aren’t I doing the same? I’m in my own way. I’m letting myself be influenced by the opinions and emotions of these 8 people (family or not). I’m letting them have far more power than is necessary. For it’s true, I want to make something bigger for myself. And I want to be the one deciding what that “bigger” means. For now, that “bigger” means taking naps with my cat, meeting friends and writing this newsletter - and healing through these things.
So I’ll be right here, cleaning up all the lava - slowly but steadily - and turning it into love before it bursts,
Vedi
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